I have now met the “boring mom” side of myself.
This side of myself is not fun. She is task oriented, drained, focused mostly on keeping kids alive, and would actually rather sip tea than run in the play structure. I have met the part of my brain that wants to sort Lego into colours and wipe counters for a “break”.
“Boring mom” Alexandra actually can’t engage a theoretical conversation about which fantasy battle axe might have a stronger blade because I am monitoring emerging safety risks in my foreground; I have shut down a conversation about whether hitting coal in Minecraft means you’re close to finding diamonds–because I was trying to cross the road with everyone alive after; and I have met the part of myself who has nothing left to give–not even animate my voice to feign curiosity. Lastly, I have felt the 3pm drudge. It’s the wall of reality that you have been responding to the tedium of minutiae for hours, and there are still hours left to go.
I have started punctuating my day with teas, just to cope with the sheer amount of time to fill and get a little kick to survive another episode of Power Rangers.
Childcare requires both all of my capacity and yet not enough of it at the exact same time. It denies me access to my inner world, and requires relentless emotionally engaged attention to the external world. If I am so brave to attempt an independent thought it is with the knowledge that at any moment I might have to abandon it, part finished, and respond to an emergency, like not being able to fit a piece of lego together. It is tempting to just stop thinking.
I have known that the task of constant childcare is a big ask, but now I really get to feel it. I get to feel my life force and creativity drained out of me everyday–and I get to return to myself at the end of it! I am not actually a mom–I am just an auntie. I get to drop all responsibility, head over to my boat and not worry about supper, clean up, night routines, and be on call for the night wakeups and way-too-early risers. I can’t begin to image what it is to be totally in charge of kids 24/7. It is absolutely astounding–I feel like it’s possibly a crime. It shouldn’t be acceptable to place all of this energy drain on any one or even two people.
If anything, this is making me want to show up more as auntie. Maybe with enough aunties–and uncles, and grand parents, and friends, and friend and friends and friends–maybe then moms can join the fray.
Bring back the village–bring back the fun moms.
Alexandra Ross Works 