Sometimes people hear what I am doing out “in the woods” and they tell me stories of other people who have done similar things and failed. And to be fair, I have also thought along similar lines. I have called to mind many disasters, detailed the way I might fail in this project, possibly die, or, if I survive, return to more conventional living.
I think of these moments as survival instincts. It is our collective brain telling us not to change things because the unknown is risky and hard. New muscles and new brain synapses take time to grow. Quitting seems wise in these growth moments when it feels like you’ re tearing yourself apart trying to conjure something new, or when the motivation suddenly dies in the middle of a new habit.
What is to be done in those moments?
Personally I am learning to center myself. While in my religious past I might have turned to prayer or the biblical text to align myself with an idea of divine will, I no longer have that as a meaningful practice. However, I am finding that I have begun to cultivate a more nature based practice of doing something similar.
In moments of being or feeling lost, exhausted, or like I need to access some kind of energy reserve that I simply cannot find in my own body, my response is to close my eyes and remember I am part of the cosmos. I remind myself, “I am the cosmos, the cosmos is me.”
I don’t believe in a divine will guiding me, but I do believe I am deeply interconnected to all that exists. I am a small piece of something much bigger. I may not know the way, and sometimes I feel lost, unmotivated, fearful and wanting the feeling of the familiar, even if the familiar is harmful. In these moments, it is my interconnection with the cosmos, the oxygen in my lungs, the iron in my blood, and the bacteria in my gut, that have provided me the points of connection to hold me until I can keep finding my way.
I know this little project and experiment may fail. I am vulnerable to that knowledge, and I don’t mind the reminders. But I also know discomfort can be helpful, and, like feeling good after repeatedly showing up to hard work out, there is potential to emerge from this experience with new capacities and skills.
Wishing to center myself in the cosmos.
Alexandra Ross Works 